Failed Attempts

Lately, I've been searching for that first chance in love. God knew how I longed to experience the "feeling". I have my own story to tell about the ups and downs about my journey in this so called search. Before, my attempts will end with just merely texting or chatting guys over the net but lately, I was able to go out with them. That I guess was already something, well for me. I had few attempts that failed but the recent one was most terrible.

I got strayed on this certain site where gay people as well as bisexual guys search for partners. It is somehow similar to Facebook but here there are no female or straight guy users. I stumble across this profile of an interesting guy. I didn't let the chance pass so I initiated a conversation, I send him a message. And so we started talking.

It's been two weeks since we started exchanging text messages. During those times we've been too comfortable to one another that we call each other "babe". We talked a lot; we tackled a lot of topics that both of us are familiar with like love, music, school, TV and even sex. I was surprised that I was able to maximize or even exceeded this certain promo of Globe about 100 text messages. We also did video calls thru yahoo messenger. I was afraid he might lose interest in me after seeing my actual look thru web camera but he didn’t. It was a great relief knowing that this person was not judging you thru your physical look. He was able to accept me as me.

Everything was going smooth and we were planning to meet up soon but things get a bit shaky after what happened yesterday. I was texting him that morning and was not able to receive any reply so I thought he doesn’t have any credits left to make a reply which was okay for me. I was shocked by the text message I received that afternoon while I was with my friends.

Unknown: Can you please stop texting at this number? 0905 - XXX-XXXX hindi ka na nga tinetext, text ka pa ng text!
Me: Ha?? Cno ka?!
Unknown: Boyfriend nya! Asawa nya! Buhay nya!
(I texted him and said “Babe kaninong number to 0916 - XXX-XXXX, inaaway nya ako!)
Unknown: Nagtetext ka pa na inaaway kita? Pathetic!! Bye!
Me: There must be some mistake. I was not informed that he’s already committed.
Unknown: Oh ngayong alam mo ng meron siyang lover, siguro naman lulubayan mo na? Ilugar mo mukha mo!!
Me: Sana di mo naman ako inaaway. So much for the respect! For your peace, I’ll stop. Better ask him first what happened. And for clarity’s sake, we are not together yet. Again I was not informed that he is already committed. If I knew then I wont waste my time with him. I’m the victim here okay!
Unknown: Kayo ba?
Me: Hindi po. Pero I have to admit I have a special feeling for him. I thought that there is something special going on between the two of us. Pero I guess I have to stop this.
Unknown: Ano sinasabi nya sayo?? Nagmeet na ba kayo?
Me: Di pa kame nagmimeet. Can you just ask him na lang. Im so over this.
Unknown: Sinabi ban yang gusto ka nya?
--I didn’t send any reply to this one just to keep things low. I don’t what to hear anything he has to say, I just want to think things over. I just wanted to be alone.

**I texted him and said “IM DONE WITH YOU!”

Well, I don’t think I deserve to be humiliated like that. I was furious; it felt really weird. I felt like a hand was crushing my heart that my chest pains like hell. It’s as if a spear just hit me. My feet were trembling and it felt like I can’t walk anymore. I’m hurt. I’m in pain. I didn’t even bother to look at my phone. I don’t want to see anymore messages, I’ve had enough. However, it was weird that that night I was able to fall asleep right away.

The next morning, he texted me again..

Him: Good morning!
Me: wag mo na ako itext. Baka awayin pa ko ng lover mo!!
Him: huh? Anong lover?
Me: bakit di ka nagtetext saken kahapon? Kanino tong number na to 0916 - XXX-XXXX?
Him: ala kasi akong load.
Me: kanino yung number na yun?
Him: Bakit? Ano ba sinabi sayo?
Me: sagutin mo ko!! Kanino yung number na yun?
Him: ala yun!
Me: bakit di mo ko masagot? At bakit alam nya yung mga messages ko sayo?
Him: siguro nabasa nya sa cellphone ko. Wag mo na lang pansisn yun. Let’s continue what we’ve started.
Me: di ko lang kasi maintindihan, sino ba siya? At bakit sinasabi nya na bf mo siya? Alam mo bang inaway nya ako?? Napahiya ako dun! Ang alam ko kasi single ka!
Him: wag ka na lang maguluhan. Ano ba mga sinabi nya sayo?
Me: single ka ba talaga? I want an honest answer!!
Him: I’m in a relationship right now!
Me: aww.. eh anu pla tayo? Para mo akong sinampal!! I think we should stop this!
Him: No, I think we should continue this.
Me: ha? Are you insane?! I don’t want to step on somebody else’s toes!! Kung gusto mo to ituloy, siguraduhin mong single ka!!
Him: wag naman ganun.
Me: HA?! Ano palang plano mong gawin?! Sabay kame?
Him: hindi po! Text mo ko kapag nakauwi ka na.
Me: ang gulo mo kausap!! Kausapin mo ko kapag alam mo na gagawin mo!
Him: am sorry kung nasaktan kita baby! Di ko naman sinasadya eh. Sana di ka magalit saken, ayaw ko kasing magalit ka.
Me: sa totoo lang sobrang sama ng loob ko sayo! Umasa ako na okay ka. Aaminin ko, gusto kita! Pero nasaktan mo na din kasi ako. Sabi mo saken di ka pa nagkakaBF, tapos ngayon sasabihin mo na in a relationship ka?! Siguro yung nagtext saken kahapon yun yung BF mo. Text ako ng text di ka nagrereply tas magugulat na lang ako, aawayin ako ng lover mo. Napahiya ako ng sobra!
Him:…
Me: wag mo na akong i-text. Ayoko makasira ng relasyon! Pls delete my number!!
Him: ganun ba? Sure ka ba?
Me: anong gusto mong gawin ko? Ituloy to ng meron kang iba? Tama bay un?
Him: hindi po. Gusto po kita makasama at makilala. Ayaw mo na ba saken?
Me: naririnig mo ba sarili mo!! MAY BF KA NA! mali kung itutuloy naten to!
Him: hindi po. Ayaw mo nab a saken?
Me: tulad ng sabi, gusto kita. Pero din a pwede dahil may BF ka na!
Him: walang mali pag gusto mo.
Me: eh yung BF mo, mahal mo siya diba?
Him: siguro ayaw mo lang talaga!!
Me: wag mong ibaling saken to!! Dahil ikaw ang may mali. Unang una, nagsinungaling ka!!
Him: hindi ko na din po alam,
Me: tama na! wag mo na din alamin. Ang gulo mo magisip! Tama na cguro!! Hanggang dito na lang tlga.
Him: sure ka na ba baby? :’(
Me: OO. Sorry but we have to end this. Unless you make yourself free, that’s when you can have me!

That night his lover texted me again..
Unknown: Nagmumukha ka ng tanga, stop texting my lover. Pinagtatawanan ka lang!

I never replied on that message and I deleted his number as well. I don’t deserve to be treated his way. I never cried, I didn’t want to shed a single drop of tear on this issue. Anyway, I haven’t invested too much emotion or love on him. I haven’t met him yet so I am not that attached to him that much. Good thing I have my friends beside me. They helped me cope up with this faster than finishing two cups of rice. Haha

Fighting singlehood has never been this difficult. Just when I thought this time is my turn to be loved, he I am, walking all alone. I feel so betrayed, I am hurt and I am lonely. I know this one taught me a great lesson. I know love is just around the corner. Maybe it’s not yet my time.